Homeless & Alone

I badly need a job. A 9 to 5 office job will be good. That's all I need at least for now & hopefully I'll be able to rent a place for both my kid & myself. With a 9 to 5 job I'm able to look after my kid altho he's already a teenager now. I can spend more time with my kid after work & especially during weekends. This way he won't feel lonely all by himself. I've tried working for a 12hours job in a factory but it's just too gruelling for me. The hours are long. It's easy for people to say " well, I have no choice" but I do believe I have a choice. I'm a fast learner. I like doing stuff that is related to computer. I have a good command of English even though mine isn't that excellent but I believe if given a chance & opportunity to work in an environment that I like such as in an office, I can work hard.It's very easy for others to talk this & that but they've never once been in my shoes. What it's like to be me.....to be in my situation.

I never thought my guy will let us be homeless. Before this happen, I've always wanted to work but due to my qualification I'm unable to find and secure an office job even as a clerk and to add to this sinking feeling I've no one to encourage me at all to stay positive but now I'm doing it all for the sake of my kid as well as myself. It'll be liberating to be able to fend for myself without having to be dependent on others. I've always want my kid to continue his education without any worries & interruptions. I'm blogging this in the hope that my kid & I will be able to have the future that we both long desire.

On another note, my heart sank with deep sadness each time I see a happy loving family consisting a couple & a child. I've tried my best to find a father figure for my only kid but up till now I have found no one. It's a very lonely feeling & sad at times when all I have is just myself & my kid to keep each other company most of the times.

Homeless

It's been a week that my kid & i have been homeless. We've been on our own right from day one & the only other person whom I've been in contact just kept silencee. I don't know if I should still email & still something. My heart sank. I'm hurt confuse & all alone by ourselves. I just wish someone could provided me with an office job. I like doing office job as I can look after my kid at the same time since I will be coming home early and it is not as gruelling as 12 hours job that I had way back. Right now I don't know what I should do.

Silent Cries of a Broken Heart...

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I want to say
All the things I wish you could hear
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I want to say
Tell you how much I miss you
Tell you how much I want you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
But you still ain't here
Even though it breaks my heart
Even though I'm beginning to fall apart
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
Tears streaming down my face
For some reason I can't explain
It's the only way to release this pain
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
For each day I wish it'll come true
Please baby Please
Please be back soon...
More than ever I yearn for you
For all I ever want is only you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
At times I just don't know what else to say
Only hopes & pray are all I could do
Not a day goes by without me thinking of you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I hide inside
All the secrets I lay outside
But all I could hear is silence
Empty, alone, broken & absence
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
Time flies like eternity
Just a picture of you is all I see
Healing this pain is never easy
For no one knows how hard this has been
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
I must have been a fool to keep believing
Believing this fantasy will ever come true
I guess it's time I've to let ya go
For reasons only I know
But the words won't come out

Because I can't...
I can't let ya know...
I can't let ya know it all...

Everyday....a new beginning
Hoping for that one moment
To finally arrive
But as the night crawls
My heart sank...
Little by little my spirit dies as well
For tomorrow is yet another new beginning...

These silent cries of my heart are all you'll ever hear...

How did I fall in Love with You?

It's 4am now.

Well, first of all, this entry will be the last before I decide to take a long hiatus. Just thought that this is the best place for me to pour out my feelings....to get everything out of my system.....to be away from everyone & everything....just me alone here writing & saying what I needed to say. I think it's best for me this way for now until I get my head all together once again.

How long will it be till I write again? I don't really know for sure. But who knows I might be writing another entry again tomorrow but for now I need to do some soul searching I guess...

I just had this strong urge to get another video with the same song but a music video that somehow in one way or another that's able to connect with the lyrics of this song seamlessly. Another thing about this video is its visual slow motion & I love the intensity of Scarlett Johansson's eyes in this movie when you care deeply so much about someone you love. It's really an amazing feeling when that feeling is so true & to be able to reciprocate at the same time is just amazing as I had said earlier. I guess, the one above is a better choice for me to put it in here as I could definitely relate & see myself in Scarlett Johansson character as Jordan in this video. All the things that I have imagined all this while when one day if it truly meant to happen to us...

I wish if it ever happens I could look intensely deep into your very eyes down to your very soul then leaning one side of my cheek against your very chest & just listen to your every single heartbeat knowing that I could trust you to give my all wholeheartedly as I close my eyes & feeling the warmth of your body as you embrace me baby..

This is how surreal I feel while my head is spinning at the same time with so much confusion, with so many unanswered questions & with so many mixed feelings of emotions right now that I can't exactly describe them. I don't even know where to begin...

Oohh...I'm crying out your name from time to time each moment I think about you...It seems like eternity...it feels like the days passed by so very slow as if to a stand still...

And while I am battling with all these crazy confusing mixed emotions just within myself with everything that is happening now I somehow able to sense or perhaps am I expecting it too that one day there will be someone close to you who will say those words to me in a way I will accept it, for some reason that make absolutely total sense & that it is of my best interest too. It's already happening right now as I am writing this. I knew he meant well. I can understand why. I kinda of knew that will be coming sooner or later. However, I wouldn't want to mention here how I truly felt when I read those words coming from that person.

I guess, I rather not mention further how I feel about it right now...not here...perhaps I should just keep it to myself for now. Perhaps, it's because I don't want to be broken & fragile anymore...

Anyway, exactly like the lyrics in this song. Yes, I don't know what to say cause I never meant to feel this way.....it was definitely not on purpose....it wasn't something I expected coming from me either....I even thought your affection for me was perhaps just an infatuation or a crush that you will soon grow out of it.

As much as I try so hard not to allow to make a fool of myself for a very good reason but as time passed by, as I got to know you better & as true as it is 'I cannot pretend that we can still be friends' any longer....I slowly grew to love you & this time the feeling is so very special for which I myself can't explain how special can it be this time around....it's definitely not the same with my previous relationships where I knew exactly that we will definitely be united but this time around, it's so different....I feel different...it's really really weird...

Different & weird in the sense that although I already knew from the very beginning that I would never know when & how we could ever be united one day & will that one special day ever arrive for us? Even though there are so many uncertainties now somehow deep down inside me I feel so very bless & happy to have found you in my life & I feel even more blessed knowing you have a special feelings for me, is the greatest gift I never thought I'm that deserving at all.

How can I possibly fall in love when the future is so unknown & how the hell did I fall in love with someone when I don't see the future ahead of me with you at least for now....I wonder what the future holds for us baby...? How can it feel so beautiful & yet so wrong in every single way....how can this be happening?

All I ever know now is that you've stolen my heart in a very special way which I could have never imagine even in my wildest dream. You make me feel like myself once again in a special way too that I don't even know how it all started. I could never have imagined & not once ever expected that you will enter into my life this soon this early. I never ever thought or even expected that life would give me another chance in love with someone else. No, not me I suppose. Moreover, I was never serious of anything about you in the first place.

Just when everything seems to fall beautifully into places then in a split second that same sweet beautiful moments that was happening to us just spiral downhill so fast that it took me by surprised & appalled at the same time in disbelief when I received the news. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw those words.

As for now, I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days, weeks, months or a year from now. Whatever it is that is going to happen I'm sure it happens for a good reason. Yes, that's what my level headed is telling me but my broken aching & hurting heart is telling me otherwise....my heart is just preparing for that moment of truth which I know will hurt me very badly. However, I refuse to anticipate that for now....not until I hear straight from the horse's mouth himself.

Will your selfless love change my life forever?

Will everything be all worth while in the end?

Will you wait for me, with me & still be with me at the end of all these craziness?

I guess, I've said what I wanted to say here at least for now...

Well, before I end this entry, I want to remind myself how these lyrics below means so much to me in every special way with you...

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Everything's changed, we never knew

....things change....people do change & only time will tell the real truth...