On The Third Day

It was a lovely sunny day during the first half day of today. My kid left for school although it's a public holiday. I decided to just stay in the tent only to come out around noon time as it was getting very hot inside the tent. Zack & Sal have both gone for a swim. When my kid arrived from school, I agreed to go for a swim in the sea as I was already feeling very hot & sticky. We swam for about an hour. As the day was getting a little cloudy, I decided to take a shower. When the two of us had finished, we decided that we both stayed in the tent. My kid was already getting very exhausted & sleepy. He managed to doze off for a short time as the heavy rain kept pouring on our tent. I have to eventually wake him up as I started to see drips of rain drops inside the tent. I was afraid if the the tent will get flooded. There were plenty of things including food in the tent. I was more concerned about our heavy bags as they are not made of waterproof materials. Fortunately, our tent was able to withstand the strong wind blowing from the sea. While we were struggling to make sure that our tent is not flooded or collapsed, Zack & his friends were having lunch elsewhere. They came back once the rain has stopped only to find that their tent had collapsed. I checked on them & as they each settled down both my kid & I stayed inside our tent. The evening went by quietly until I decided to bring our things to a nearby shelter as it looked like there will be yet another storm coming its way towards us. It was almost dusk & almost time too for Zack & his friends to go back to their respective homes. I couldn't watch them packing their things but when it was really time to say our goodbyes, a tinge of sadness slowly creeps in.

The Morning After

It's a sunny Sunday morning, Zack & his friends decided to have breakfast at a fast food restaurant. Upin our arrival, both my kid & I had chosen a set of porridge meal each. My kid had wanted another set meal but I told him that we shouldn't take advantage of their generosity & kindness I don't want my kid to have the mentality to take advantage & depend on otherse to treat him for food or anything in life.

For the longest time in my life, it was the most wonderful feeling having breakfast with a bunch of new found friends. I felt really at ease with with them around me as they no longer probe me with personal questions. When we had finished our food, Sal had to go back to work even though it was a public holiday. Zack too had an appointment to see his kids for a few hours. We then parted ways.

When everyone had finished their breakfast, we walked all the way back to our respectives tents. A few hours later, Sal came back bringing some food & hot rice for all of us. We ate together like one big family. Although, the food was sumptious, I ate only a small portion of each serving as I was still full with the breakfast that we had earlier. Also, at the same time I wasn't having that much appetite. This is because I was starting to get worried for it is nearing the end month next week & I still haven't received any concrete answers from my guy especially to all of my questions that he should have answered by now in order to lessen my worries. I don't want to clutter my mind thinking too much & somehow deep down in my heartI can feel that I have slowly being defeated by the unknown & foreseen situation that both my kiddo & I will be in as long as I don't have all the answers to amy questions. I could somehow sense too that come end month this will not be over just yet! I really don't know when this hardships & uncertainties will end. All I ever want is our situation being homeless now to end as soon as possible. We don't want to ever end up at a home or in any organizations. I just want our life to back as per normal but of course after this frightening ordeal is over & I'm able to get back on my feet I just want to get a job.

One thing that has always been in my mind is the thought of not having a roof over our heads especially when am old, weak & sickly. I really hope that will never happen to us in the future as it is my greatest fear. I'm determine to get out of this situation of my long suffering cocoon. I'm determine to make everything right again except for one thing of course which is to have finally found a true gentleman to fill this empty & lonely heart yet at the same time someone who is willing to be a loving father figure to my kiddo. I've place my faith in him although I have already & slowly given up hope on this particular issue. I no longer feel that I should care about myself. The only thing that's left with me is making sure that my kid is happy.

Anyway, the story about this Sunday afternoon continues...

After I had taken our lunch which Sal & her friends had brought, I went back to my tent. Several hours went by peacefully but then I saw both Sal & Zack approaching me. I saw Sal holding what looks like a paper packet in pink. I thought nothing of it. Sal approached me straight away. I was kinda surprised & touched. My voice started to choked in sadness as I tried to hold my tears from streaming down my cheeks. I realized that Sal had been collecting some cash amongst her friends. The cash was meant as a gift to us so we could use it for the next coming days. I was truly touched by the gestures. They really have a big heart. I told them honestly that's the last thing I need & on my mind. As we continued our conversation, there was at one point where both of us could no longer hold back our tears. Zack then started telling his story about his relationship with his children. How he is only allowed to see his children once a year. I guess, each one of us has a story to tell. The day went by with all of us having dinner..

As Promised

A week ago, Zack had told me that he & his friends will come back to the same place tonight where we all first met.My kid kept talking about them. He seems excited. Although, as much as I'd love for them to come back as promised I kept telling him that they probably won't be coming at all. I don't want my kid to get his hopes high.I don't want to see him feeling disappointed when he later finds out that Zack & his friends didn't show up afterall.

However, as promised when night falls, both my kid & I pitched our tent at the same spot. We could see that the sky was red. It was drizzling & there were no visible stars to be seen. Although, we had placed our things inside the tent, I felt that we need to move the tent in the shelter. My kid has already fallen asleep but I had no choice but to wake him up as I dislike last minute attempt; rushing for a spot in the small shelter.

There were a few foreign workers, mostly men in the shelter having a fun time among themselves. Once we moved the tent & placed our things inside, we soon settled inside the tent even though I could feel the floor was hard & cold. While I used one of our heavy bags as a pillow under my head, my kid slept with nothing under his head ever since we first came. I felt very sad at that time yet we were both exhausted at the same time. Soon we both fell into a deep sleep.

In the midst of my sleep, I was awaken by the voices of a few ladies calling out my name. I knew instantly that they had arrived as promised. Zack & along with his friends arrived after midnight to celebrate the long holidays with us both. It feels really good & assuring when I finally came out of the tent to see familiar faces once again. Their presence makes me feel that we're not alone afterall & that they have not forgotten about us.

While the rest of them were settling down, one of the ladies tried to wake my kid but I knew all he ever wanted at that time was to continue his sleep without any distraction. As usual I felt that it wasn't polite to let him sleep while they clearly were there because they had wanted to see us both.

Since there was no rice & drinks as they knew we need some rice to eat, one fo the ladies I shall named her Sal gave me a 10 dollar note to buy some bread & a few things for ourselves. A lady named Nad offered to go along with me to the store. We walked together & starated a light conversation. Upon, reaching at the store, Nad told me to get whatever that I need for the next day & to keep the note for myself as she will be the one paying. Although, I felt terribly uneasy I kept the note in my pocket. I took a few things & a loaf of bread. Nad & I later reached the shelter. I told Sal about her 10 dollar note & that Nad had paid for all the food. She told me it's alright as the note was for me. What I didn't expect later & should have known was that I had accidentally dropped the note somewhere. When I finally found out I was clearly very mad at myself yet at the same time I was very exhausted. The last thing on my mind is making sure that I'd still have the note as I didn't even make sure that I placed it in a safe place so I could get it later. I only realized the note was gone when I finally wanted to sleep & that was after my kid & I had eaten the variety of food they had brought for us both. The food includes fried fish, barbecue chicken wings, hot dogs, fresh pineapple, guava & some snacks.

Surviving Rainy Days & Coldness

It's been raining for two straight days. Fortunately for us, it didn't rain at night or else we won't be able to get some sleep at all. I tried to take shelter at a fast food restaurant yesterday. The minute the restaurant opened, I was the first one to come in & the looked on every worker as well as the supervisor's eyes God knows what they were thinking of me. Their looks made me feel uneasy so since I was gonna be spending the whole day in there, I'd better buy some food although that was my plan in the first place. I had wanted to save as much as possible as I don't want to be running out of money when I really needed it especially for my kid's schooling expenses. We had to literally starve for weeks now just so we have just enough money to spend especially on food. While I was waiting for my kid the whole afternoon & watched people past by, it started to get stormy. I'm glad I wasn't at the beach like I did the last time. However, in an air conditioned room I had to also endure the cold air con in the restaurant. Yet again, it feeld like eternity & yes it was an eternity as my kid finally arrived at almost 8PM that day.

I decided to go to the fast food restaurant because we have to move around as I can no longer stays at the beach since there are officers who will check on us. Not that we're running from authorities or anything. I just do not want people to know that we're homeless. All I ever need now is just a job to get us get back on track & our lives.

Anyway, as I was sitting my mind wondered to my kid. I feel that I appreciates him more now than ever as he has grown up now becoming more like a young man that he should be & with whom I eventually can erlate all things about adults life 7 its turbulence. It has always been the two of us together. He has always been my life, my companion & my best of friend for now & forever even though I still am hoping 7 holding on to that glimmer of hope in finding me a special someone to fill this empty heart as well as a father figure & a friend for my kid with whom he can share common interest & someone he can look up to. Not only someone who can & will light up our hearts, fill our days with laughter & happiness but also someone who will be our pillar of strength & endless fountain of love....

Surviving Another Day

It has been 16 days now and I have been trying endlessly to get hold of my guy to get answers from him. It has been exhaustingly tiresome, extremely frustrating attempt trying to get hold of him to get back to me. All I could hear from the other end is the ringing tone till it went dead! At times, I just want to give up everything. I feel like abandoning everything that I have right now & just leave but how am I suppose to do that? How am I gonna look for a job with my situation like this? I feel so very furious, frustrated, exhausted, hurt & disappointed. I can't believe this is truly happening to us both...

I felt like I can no longer carry on living like this anymore. The days waiting for my kid feels so long & most days since it's the rainy season, I had to endure the coldness for hours & hours.I had to move around as I don't want people to know the situation that we're in although all I really need is a job which I enjoy doing. I know I don't have a choice. No one has a choice to be choosy when finding a job if he or she is in my situation but deep in my heart I'm holding to a glimmer fo hope that I can find a job that I do really enjoy doing so that I can be independent.

The story of my life is this, I don't really know why I kinda have a phobia just thinking about having a job. I know very well that I'm not a lazy person. I'm not saying this to make myself look good but it's a fact. I know I'm a hard worker at any given time or day. I know I am. Prior to this situation that I'm in now, I once worked in a factory & I never once try to delay or try to rest even for one minute. It wa a 12 hours job. However, I hated the job, the work environment & the fact that I never had to work that very long adds to my phobia even more. I remember when each morning while I was in the moving bus all that was in mind was to lift my legs & ran as far as I could but I know I can't. No matter how I hated the job I had to face reality. The job lasted me almost a year which is 9 long gruelling months. On top of everything that I had to go through although I was really doing ok on the job but since I trusted nobody I had no real friends to support my back as there are often rumors & back stabbing among the workers. How am I suppose to understand what the senior are talking among each other when they're talking in a language you don't understand at all.

Anyway, I've to go now & I will continue this story at a later date.

I Noticed Something In My Kid

Like I have mentioned early in my blog, I woke up very early in the morning as usual. However, this time I noticed my kid has been sleeping on his hard, torn & worn out school bag every night ever since we slept at the beach. I realized I couldn't even buy him a brand new school bag which he could bring to school as well as a new wrist watch. What kind of a mother am I? I fail as a mother....I can't bear seeing my kid in this kind of state when everyone not only has a family to begin with but I can't even provide both for him as well as for myself & this morning as he walked past by me, I noticed he was wearing a pair of torn & worn out socks which he has been wearing for the past days. I've been telling him to change his socks to another one which I brought although they are also torn but not as bad as the ones that he was wearing but he didn't want to. I suppose he was thinking he might end up wearing a damp pair of socks to school the next morning. Not only it is troublesome to wash his school clothes but also his socks as well. We have no place to dry them especially when the weather is always rainy. No amount of words can describe how I am feeling right now. Our situation has gone bad to worse. That's the only thing I know & I know for certain that I need a job especially for our future but how???

For the past two nights we have been sleeping in a tent but still my heart is crumbling at the state that we're in. I'm afraid if in the middle of the night, some policemen will come by to check on us. What am I gonna say? What happen to us? Why did we end up like this?

I've been like living by the beach all by myself. I often see familiar faces. Morning is the busiest as I watched local as well as Americans & foreigners jogging, cycling & American women strolling by the beach with their toddlers & babies inside the pram. I don't really know why is it that today I felt boredom is starting to creep in very slowly. Probably I have been all by myself for the past 2 weeks with no one to talk to.

I Wonder

I don't really know why each morning as I woke up from my sleep I will feel a tinge of sadness deep inside me. Is it because each time I wake up from my sleep, the only person I could turn to, lean on & see everyday is only my kid?? I suppose so...

As I looked over at the calm wide ocean right in front of me & feling the soothing blow of the morning sea breeze, I really wonder...does anyone knows or pause for a moment what it feels like to be a woman with the only kid that she has in this world to be out there having to go through so much in her life all by herself?? I doubt anyone can understand or believe what I've gone through. With no pillar of strength to support us emotionally. Having to figure out ourselves where we should be sleeping each night. With no one by our side all the time we were struggling by ourselves. The only other person to keep us company is the two of us. Nothing beats the real experience when a person has to go through so much in life. Even words fail to describe & compare the true real feelings that I have right of this moment...

My kid arrived as dusk was about to appear. Suddenly, he said, "shall we go swimming in the sea?" I said "Yeah!" This will give me a reason to lather myself with soap after swimming. It's also a chance for my kid to give his mind a rest & relax his tension muscles. It will be jsut the two of us having a fun time together. I know deep down inside him that he felt the strain of me not having little money as well as feeling left out from his friends as they are so much unlike us...

All these truly breaks my heart to pieces.........

Lonely, Alone & All By Ourselves

I was feeling rather exhausted last night. Sitting by the beach all alone by myself as I waited for my kid to come back from school. The days seem so very long. There were days I had to wait from dawn till dusk. My butt hurts so much. I occupy myself by reading a story book as well as write some journals about my thoughts & feelings for the day. It's the only way for me to kill my free time.

Although, I didn't want to walk all the way to buy us regular drinks as all I wanted to do was just to doze off earlier. Eventually, I decided to go as my mind was thinking about my kid as well as for our consumption for the next day early in the morning. He must be very exhausted, thirsty & hungry. I couldn't asked him to go all the way to the store to buy us drinks as it was already late at night. I left him while he was doing his school work using the torch light that I brought along with me. I came back an hour later only to find my kid was fast asleep. My heart aches again with sadness but I know I have to be strong for him. I know he was not only exhausted from the school activities that he had to do during the day but also we have not been eating healthy nutritious food for weeks now in order to get our energy going. We were basically starving; getting by each with instant noodles for dinner, regular water to quench our thirst and at times I would buy us a pack of milk so we won't go hungry during the whole day. The state that we're in really breaks my heart to pieces as a mom. I wish I'm a mom who could provide a comfortable life & environment not only for my kid but also for myself. The feeling of sadness starts to creep in again..

Story Of Our Lives - Homeless With A Kid

It was Saturday night. There were a couple of guys who decided to spend the weekends fishing by the sea. As usual when dusk fall, we prepare our sleeping bag. Although, it was rather crowded with people that day, we decided to catch an early sleep. In the middle of my sleep I was awaken by the loud laughter & giggling of a group of ladies together with a guy whom I shall named him as Zack were trying to capture some of the ladies' photos. I looked back and noticed a dark blue tent right next to us. At first I find it annoying and irritating as we were trying to get some sleep but I know there's really nothing I could do about it as it is a public place.

I guess, Zack noticed that I was awaken by the loud laighter of his ladies' friends cause each time I awake I could hear Zack trying to mellow down the loud noises that the ladies were making which has now filled the silence in the air around us besides the cooing sound of the waves.

As usual I woke up at around half past four early in the morning. I sit up & reached for a bottle of regular water as I was feeling rather thirsty. I then looked for some leftover plain bread which we had from last night & ate it slowly. As I looked around to see if there was anyone sitting behind on the concrete bench, I saw two dark figures approaching the bench. I realized there were the couple who had been sitting earlier. I bet they were watching us sleeping in the open air unlike everyone at the beach where almost most of the people there have set up tents. I turned around & woke up my kid as he needs to drink too. Once my kid had drank the water which I gave him, he asked for my permission to go to the restroom. As soon as he left, I heard a commotion. At the corner of my eyes, I could see that there were figures approaching our site. Suddenly I heard, one of the ladies saying "we have lots of food there". Another, brought a few food & sat beside me. The ladies were asking why are we there. I didn't say much. One of the ladies asked Zack to come over to talk to me. By then, my kid arrived. They insisted that I go over to get some of their food. I said it's alright. Then two ladies came back with food in their hands & place them all on the spot where we both were sleeping. I never expected they would be so generous, kind & friendly enough to break the ice with me. Zack started to asked questions. Although, at the time I wasn't feeling uneasy yet not easy also for me to explain everything but I tried to answer his questions politely.At the same time, while all this is going on, they kept repeating to my kid & I to eat. I don't mean to let them down or be rude but I honestly don't have any appetite to eat at all even though we were very hungry & cold. Moreover, I just had my tummy filled with the plain bread I had earlier. I just felt full.

And yes, as the questions & answers were going back & forth, all I could think of in my mind at that moment was askign the ladies if they could recommend any job for me. I don't need & don't want people to bombard me with personal questions which I feel uneasy to answer especially having to sit face to face with strangers & answering questions when both my kid & I are at our lowest point in our lives. They certainly put us in a spotlight for that long moments but somehow they put me at ease but still I feel sad & my voice choked as I try to reply whenever there are personal & sensitive questions being thrown for me to answer. I mean how does one feel if he or she is in my shoes? Eventually, Zack understands how I feel & the questions just died down as I couldn't even bring myself to answer all his questions in the rightful manner.

Those who have suffered emotionally long & hard will never see the tears in their eyes but not a single soul knows what exactly it is like to put up a brave front for all to view & yet deep down in her tiny litle heart she is crying silently. I don't think anyone can understand what it's like to be me unless they're born as me.

As dawn begins to break, one of the couples which apparently there were three couples who had overnight at the beach decided to go all the way to McDonald's to buy us all morning coffee & milo for my kid. It was the first time since we arrived at the beach that we had a fresh brew of coffee & milo for my kid. While we were drinking at the corner spot by ourselves, I heard Zack called my name. I came over & was told by him that they will leave us a tent for us to borrow for a week. We will all meet again in about a week's time. I was very touched as they were not only generous but they also have a big heart. So, for the first time in many nights, we were able to sleep in a tent...away from the prying eyes of passers by while we try to get some sleep every night.

Story Of Our Lives II

I'm taking one day at a time for now. My skin has started to get sunburn. It's to be expected since I've been spending everyday all day at the beach. It's tough when I think I've to spend alot of time at the beach mostly by myself while the kid is at school. The areas where I have sunburn hurts when I tried rubbing the surface gently with my fingers.

There was a storm yesterday as I waited patiently for my kid to come back from school as usual. I dread each time whenever there is a storm coming its way to the beach.The weather is definitely unwelcoming at all. It's wet, cold & shivering. I'm not the sort who can withstand cold. Fortunately, I had an umbrella with me. It helps shield myself from the harsh cold wind that seems to be blowing like an eternity. Time passed by so very slowly almost crawling. My kid arrived after the storm has ended. In my mind, I was thinking where are we going to sleep tonight. We were both as usual very hungry as well as cold.We haven't eaten much ever since we arrived at the beach. I have to scrimp & save the only little money I have. It' not easy for me to scrimp as I look at my kid's face. The face of hunger. It pains my heart. As the sun begins to set in, someone took pity on us by handing us a packet of porridge. It was unexpected. May God bless this person with his kindness..

I had troubled sleeping at last night. The weather was very cold due to the storm that occurred during the day. For the first ime, I experienced cramps on my legs. It doesn't help also when my body is aching all over too. I woke up very early although I had woken up several times in the middle of the night. As I watched the big ocean in frnt of me, the thought & my biggest fear of not able to provide both myself & my kid struck me like thunderstorm! I am so afraid if that will become a reality. We have no one whom we can lean on. To add to that my love life of finding a true soulmate has failed without success. I can't fathom how & what our lives will be like if that's gonna happen sooner or later. There will be no place for us to go for shelter. The second most important thing for me is how am I going to support my kid's education without any worries both for myself & my kid.NO! I don't want to see my kid sacrifice his education just so he could provide for our lives. He has a logn way to finish his education. I don't have good grades & I certainly don't want to see my only kid end up like me....

I just need a job; a 9 to 5 job where after work & during weekends I could spend time with my kid. We are both very lonely & alone. We keep each other's company but where will I be able to find a company that will accept my qualification to work in an office environment?? I'm so lost, alone & hurt...

Story Of Our Lives I

We have nowhere to go & I thank God for we've survived another night. It's been 9 days since we vacated our rented home. The first two nights by the beach were harshed.Fortunately, I brought ablanket with us but even the blanket could not protect us from the strong cold harsh wind at night. Very often, we were shivering in cold all throughout the night. I couldn't sleep well on most nights. I have to watch & look up at the sky just to make sure that we won't be in for a surprise with the sudden pour of the rain. There were days and time when the wind from the ocen was blowing like a mad man. Just like today it started to become stormy during the day while I was waiting for my kid to come back from school. Anyway, on the second night, we couldn't sleep as the sky started to get very red. I knew it's just a matter of time before the rain starts to trickle. We have to find a shelter immediately. As the rain starts to pour at 3am & the strong wind blowing furiously, we waited patiently for the rain to stop; all the while shivering in cold while my kid lowers himself against a pack of bags that we had brought along so he could get some short sleep. It feels like the time is crawling very slowly. We had no choice but to wait for the drizzling rain to stop; while at the same time I was looking around for a spot where we could place our sleeping bag. The small sleeping bag meant for one person is the only thing we have besides the blanket to protect us from the harsh wind while we sleep at night. Most nights, we watch helplessly others set up their tents except for us. It breaks my heart as I look at my kid's face. We had to sleep very early around half past seven. This way we will be able to get some sleep as my kid will be going to school the very next day. Also, by sleeping early I just hope that nothing happens to our things that we have with us and after 9 days the back of my knee including both my knees are aching badly. My butt & the back of my body hurt alot as well as the side of my waist where the bone is.

During the day, I've to sit on the hard concrete for hours waiting for my kid to come back from school. At times I wonder how I manage to keep myself sane & stay emotionally strongdespite everything that I've been through so much in all my life with no one by my side especially when I need someone to lean on to when I need the most. All the pain & hurt that I've suffered has somewhat become so deep that at times I feel like I no longer have any emotions at all. Sometimes I no longer cry my heart's out. I become totally detach from my own pain & sufferings.But no matter how hard I try to be emotionally strong not only for myself but for my kid too, one thing that will certainly bring tears to my eyes is when I feel the loneliness that both my kid & I felt from time to time. Not having anyone especially a true real responsible, caring & loving gentleman for us to lean on. My heart aches each time I see happy loving couples with their only kid spending time together. The wife having someone to lean on for sure. Surprisingly, I don't envy her but all I ever feel is deep sadness, loneliness & emptiness. I've tried my best searching for a father figure for my kid as well as to fill up this empty heart but to this day I've found no one.....

Homeless & Alone

I badly need a job. A 9 to 5 office job will be good. That's all I need at least for now & hopefully I'll be able to rent a place for both my kid & myself. With a 9 to 5 job I'm able to look after my kid altho he's already a teenager now. I can spend more time with my kid after work & especially during weekends. This way he won't feel lonely all by himself. I've tried working for a 12hours job in a factory but it's just too gruelling for me. The hours are long. It's easy for people to say " well, I have no choice" but I do believe I have a choice. I'm a fast learner. I like doing stuff that is related to computer. I have a good command of English even though mine isn't that excellent but I believe if given a chance & opportunity to work in an environment that I like such as in an office, I can work hard.It's very easy for others to talk this & that but they've never once been in my shoes. What it's like to be me.....to be in my situation.

I never thought my guy will let us be homeless. Before this happen, I've always wanted to work but due to my qualification I'm unable to find and secure an office job even as a clerk and to add to this sinking feeling I've no one to encourage me at all to stay positive but now I'm doing it all for the sake of my kid as well as myself. It'll be liberating to be able to fend for myself without having to be dependent on others. I've always want my kid to continue his education without any worries & interruptions. I'm blogging this in the hope that my kid & I will be able to have the future that we both long desire.

On another note, my heart sank with deep sadness each time I see a happy loving family consisting a couple & a child. I've tried my best to find a father figure for my only kid but up till now I have found no one. It's a very lonely feeling & sad at times when all I have is just myself & my kid to keep each other company most of the times.

Homeless

It's been a week that my kid & i have been homeless. We've been on our own right from day one & the only other person whom I've been in contact just kept silencee. I don't know if I should still email & still something. My heart sank. I'm hurt confuse & all alone by ourselves. I just wish someone could provided me with an office job. I like doing office job as I can look after my kid at the same time since I will be coming home early and it is not as gruelling as 12 hours job that I had way back. Right now I don't know what I should do.