How did I fall in Love with You?

It's 4am now.

Well, first of all, this entry will be the last before I decide to take a long hiatus. Just thought that this is the best place for me to pour out my feelings....to get everything out of my system.....to be away from everyone & everything....just me alone here writing & saying what I needed to say. I think it's best for me this way for now until I get my head all together once again.

How long will it be till I write again? I don't really know for sure. But who knows I might be writing another entry again tomorrow but for now I need to do some soul searching I guess...

I just had this strong urge to get another video with the same song but a music video that somehow in one way or another that's able to connect with the lyrics of this song seamlessly. Another thing about this video is its visual slow motion & I love the intensity of Scarlett Johansson's eyes in this movie when you care deeply so much about someone you love. It's really an amazing feeling when that feeling is so true & to be able to reciprocate at the same time is just amazing as I had said earlier. I guess, the one above is a better choice for me to put it in here as I could definitely relate & see myself in Scarlett Johansson character as Jordan in this video. All the things that I have imagined all this while when one day if it truly meant to happen to us...

I wish if it ever happens I could look intensely deep into your very eyes down to your very soul then leaning one side of my cheek against your very chest & just listen to your every single heartbeat knowing that I could trust you to give my all wholeheartedly as I close my eyes & feeling the warmth of your body as you embrace me baby..

This is how surreal I feel while my head is spinning at the same time with so much confusion, with so many unanswered questions & with so many mixed feelings of emotions right now that I can't exactly describe them. I don't even know where to begin...

Oohh...I'm crying out your name from time to time each moment I think about you...It seems like eternity...it feels like the days passed by so very slow as if to a stand still...

And while I am battling with all these crazy confusing mixed emotions just within myself with everything that is happening now I somehow able to sense or perhaps am I expecting it too that one day there will be someone close to you who will say those words to me in a way I will accept it, for some reason that make absolutely total sense & that it is of my best interest too. It's already happening right now as I am writing this. I knew he meant well. I can understand why. I kinda of knew that will be coming sooner or later. However, I wouldn't want to mention here how I truly felt when I read those words coming from that person.

I guess, I rather not mention further how I feel about it right now...not here...perhaps I should just keep it to myself for now. Perhaps, it's because I don't want to be broken & fragile anymore...

Anyway, exactly like the lyrics in this song. Yes, I don't know what to say cause I never meant to feel this way.....it was definitely not on purpose....it wasn't something I expected coming from me either....I even thought your affection for me was perhaps just an infatuation or a crush that you will soon grow out of it.

As much as I try so hard not to allow to make a fool of myself for a very good reason but as time passed by, as I got to know you better & as true as it is 'I cannot pretend that we can still be friends' any longer....I slowly grew to love you & this time the feeling is so very special for which I myself can't explain how special can it be this time around....it's definitely not the same with my previous relationships where I knew exactly that we will definitely be united but this time around, it's so different....I feel different...it's really really weird...

Different & weird in the sense that although I already knew from the very beginning that I would never know when & how we could ever be united one day & will that one special day ever arrive for us? Even though there are so many uncertainties now somehow deep down inside me I feel so very bless & happy to have found you in my life & I feel even more blessed knowing you have a special feelings for me, is the greatest gift I never thought I'm that deserving at all.

How can I possibly fall in love when the future is so unknown & how the hell did I fall in love with someone when I don't see the future ahead of me with you at least for now....I wonder what the future holds for us baby...? How can it feel so beautiful & yet so wrong in every single way....how can this be happening?

All I ever know now is that you've stolen my heart in a very special way which I could have never imagine even in my wildest dream. You make me feel like myself once again in a special way too that I don't even know how it all started. I could never have imagined & not once ever expected that you will enter into my life this soon this early. I never ever thought or even expected that life would give me another chance in love with someone else. No, not me I suppose. Moreover, I was never serious of anything about you in the first place.

Just when everything seems to fall beautifully into places then in a split second that same sweet beautiful moments that was happening to us just spiral downhill so fast that it took me by surprised & appalled at the same time in disbelief when I received the news. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw those words.

As for now, I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days, weeks, months or a year from now. Whatever it is that is going to happen I'm sure it happens for a good reason. Yes, that's what my level headed is telling me but my broken aching & hurting heart is telling me otherwise....my heart is just preparing for that moment of truth which I know will hurt me very badly. However, I refuse to anticipate that for now....not until I hear straight from the horse's mouth himself.

Will your selfless love change my life forever?

Will everything be all worth while in the end?

Will you wait for me, with me & still be with me at the end of all these craziness?

I guess, I've said what I wanted to say here at least for now...

Well, before I end this entry, I want to remind myself how these lyrics below means so much to me in every special way with you...

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Everything's changed, we never knew

....things change....people do change & only time will tell the real truth...

It cuts like a knife.....

Why is it I can't smell the roses anymore?

The beautiful things life has to offer...I wonder..

As I'm sitting here in the dark room all by myself....the weather outside is not making me any better....it's dark & gloomy as gloom as I am feeling right now.

My heart is dying little by little as time goes by. The air is stale & I feel suffocated whenever I try to breathe.

At times I feel like a living person who's heart I had left behind somewhere hidden in an unknown place I don't even know.

I don't want to be sad again.

I don't want to be hurt ever again.

I want to be my true self again.

I want to be the person I used to be.

I know there's so much to life than this why then am I seeing dark clouds ahead?

I guess, I have to find a way to heal this broken heart that is slowly dying so much pain & hurt that it cuts like a knife through it....

Am I here....??

I'm alone & for the very first time in my life I feel very lonely. I feel like I'm a lost lone butterfly or soul. I'm flying & floating aimlessly with no specific direction....no clue to where I'm going.

I feel like I needed someone right now but who?

What's in my head right now is how life sucks!

I wish things could have been different & yet at the same time I feel that there must be some reasons for all that's happening around me.

Why is it that I have so many unanswered questions in my head?

Everything that life throws at me seems to make me even more fragile & disheartened to continue whatever that I had set my mind on.

Sometimes I don't even know my true self anymore...and for a few moments of silence I'm staring blankly at the screen with a blank mind...

As much as I don't want my heart to rule me over & would rather prefer my head to do the talking but this feeling keeps creeping in slowly back to where it started.

There were times that I feel how I wish time could fly faster than it already is. How I wish that moment of truth is nearing closer & closer..

Can I handle the unknown future? Or should I cherish every moment that I have everyday....taking one day at a time but one day & everyday seems worthless & meaningless as time goes by...

What am I waiting for? What am I searching for? Can it even be possible? Will it ever come true in the end? Will I ever find that happiness I've been looking for all this time? Why am I feeling this way?

I feel so lost & at a lost...

I Can Feel You All Around Me

I like the whole feeling of this music...it has a lot of meanings to me. This song reflects the emotions that I have now.

Oh, what is really happening to me right now?

I'm a little frustrated as I can't recall how I first felt when I had this same feeling. Is it the same or is it different this time around? Does it matter at all? Well, I really don't have the answer to that, though I really wish I could have come up with one....but one thing for sure how can this be happening to me now....not that I don't want it coming but I kept asking myself will this time be for real? Is he the real deal for me? Is he the one?

Yes, I'm afraid...I'm afraid of being let down yet again one more time cause for years I have always wanted the kind of love that I've never had in my life & I want it to be perfect. I desperately yearning for that one eternal love like the one I saw in movies & one of them is The Notebook where two people are crazily in love with one another till the end of time. That's what I've been painting in my head all these years. Love to me is very important & being with someone who loves me for the person that I am so deeply is just near to heaven I suppose.

I don't really know if it's different this time....but one thing for sure this time around somehow I feel like I'm letting my feelings run wild & free. Something just tells me that I shouldn't be holding back about this feelings. I should just let it go & flow. Could this be true? Should I just follow my heart? Can I trust this heart? That's my dilemma...but somehow it feels so damn good this time around like I've never felt before in my life....

Perhaps is it because I'm not feeling desperate this time around? Is it because I'm taking things slow & easy? Is it because I've never could have imagine that it could be this beautiful between us?

Even though I know that only time will tell us, if we will ever be together in the future but somehow I'm not afraid of that in fact I feel bless to be given that amount of time to get to know each other better. Although at times when I think with my head it's just so crazy not knowing if we will ever be united one day.

Should I deny this feelings when I know I can't avoid it no matter how much I try to with all my might.

I gradually fell for him as I never once imagine that I could ever find love in this manner & as time passed by us, it became somewhat evidently stronger & stronger that I felt no control at all over it.

When this feeling gets intense inch by inch, I wish he could wrap his arms around me & never let go. I wish too, I could smell the scent of his body, his musky cologne, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat, wrapping my arms around him, looking deeply into his eyes into his very soul & whisper sweet nothings. It's just heaven baby.

Will this fairy tale last forever?

The Lake House

I had just finished watching this movie especially because I adore Keanu Reeves and I must say it's a beautiful story line although it's a little confusing at first how two people lived at different time & yet be able to get to know each other & communicate.....how can that possibly happen?

This movie was introduced by a dear friend of mine whom I rather not mention it here.
But definitely someone special to me....

Anyway, this movie has somehow moved me to tears which came surprisingly.

I love the part where Sandra Bullock as Kate said to Keanu Reeves (Alex Wyler) at the beginning of this video where Kate was clenching both her hands together wishing hard & she then went down to her knees & cried..... that scene, well, made me cry like a river...

"I know why you didn't show up that night. It was you. Please don't go. Just wait. Please. Don't try to find me. I love you....."

"wait for me.....wait with me.....just wait....."

One thing I know about is how determined one can be to be with the one you loved dearly......

I just wish one day that one special day will finally arrive.....



and here's another video which I like very much too because of the meanings behind this very lovely song...

this is for you baby...



..........................................

Those days are gone, now I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall, in love, with you?

..........................................
kisses & hugs