Silent Cries of a Broken Heart...

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I want to say
All the things I wish you could hear
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I want to say
Tell you how much I miss you
Tell you how much I want you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
But you still ain't here
Even though it breaks my heart
Even though I'm beginning to fall apart
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
Tears streaming down my face
For some reason I can't explain
It's the only way to release this pain
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
For each day I wish it'll come true
Please baby Please
Please be back soon...
More than ever I yearn for you
For all I ever want is only you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
At times I just don't know what else to say
Only hopes & pray are all I could do
Not a day goes by without me thinking of you
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
All the things I hide inside
All the secrets I lay outside
But all I could hear is silence
Empty, alone, broken & absence
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
Time flies like eternity
Just a picture of you is all I see
Healing this pain is never easy
For no one knows how hard this has been
But the words won't come out

Everyday....a new beginning
I must have been a fool to keep believing
Believing this fantasy will ever come true
I guess it's time I've to let ya go
For reasons only I know
But the words won't come out

Because I can't...
I can't let ya know...
I can't let ya know it all...

Everyday....a new beginning
Hoping for that one moment
To finally arrive
But as the night crawls
My heart sank...
Little by little my spirit dies as well
For tomorrow is yet another new beginning...

These silent cries of my heart are all you'll ever hear...

How did I fall in Love with You?

It's 4am now.

Well, first of all, this entry will be the last before I decide to take a long hiatus. Just thought that this is the best place for me to pour out my feelings....to get everything out of my system.....to be away from everyone & everything....just me alone here writing & saying what I needed to say. I think it's best for me this way for now until I get my head all together once again.

How long will it be till I write again? I don't really know for sure. But who knows I might be writing another entry again tomorrow but for now I need to do some soul searching I guess...

I just had this strong urge to get another video with the same song but a music video that somehow in one way or another that's able to connect with the lyrics of this song seamlessly. Another thing about this video is its visual slow motion & I love the intensity of Scarlett Johansson's eyes in this movie when you care deeply so much about someone you love. It's really an amazing feeling when that feeling is so true & to be able to reciprocate at the same time is just amazing as I had said earlier. I guess, the one above is a better choice for me to put it in here as I could definitely relate & see myself in Scarlett Johansson character as Jordan in this video. All the things that I have imagined all this while when one day if it truly meant to happen to us...

I wish if it ever happens I could look intensely deep into your very eyes down to your very soul then leaning one side of my cheek against your very chest & just listen to your every single heartbeat knowing that I could trust you to give my all wholeheartedly as I close my eyes & feeling the warmth of your body as you embrace me baby..

This is how surreal I feel while my head is spinning at the same time with so much confusion, with so many unanswered questions & with so many mixed feelings of emotions right now that I can't exactly describe them. I don't even know where to begin...

Oohh...I'm crying out your name from time to time each moment I think about you...It seems like eternity...it feels like the days passed by so very slow as if to a stand still...

And while I am battling with all these crazy confusing mixed emotions just within myself with everything that is happening now I somehow able to sense or perhaps am I expecting it too that one day there will be someone close to you who will say those words to me in a way I will accept it, for some reason that make absolutely total sense & that it is of my best interest too. It's already happening right now as I am writing this. I knew he meant well. I can understand why. I kinda of knew that will be coming sooner or later. However, I wouldn't want to mention here how I truly felt when I read those words coming from that person.

I guess, I rather not mention further how I feel about it right now...not here...perhaps I should just keep it to myself for now. Perhaps, it's because I don't want to be broken & fragile anymore...

Anyway, exactly like the lyrics in this song. Yes, I don't know what to say cause I never meant to feel this way.....it was definitely not on purpose....it wasn't something I expected coming from me either....I even thought your affection for me was perhaps just an infatuation or a crush that you will soon grow out of it.

As much as I try so hard not to allow to make a fool of myself for a very good reason but as time passed by, as I got to know you better & as true as it is 'I cannot pretend that we can still be friends' any longer....I slowly grew to love you & this time the feeling is so very special for which I myself can't explain how special can it be this time around....it's definitely not the same with my previous relationships where I knew exactly that we will definitely be united but this time around, it's so different....I feel different...it's really really weird...

Different & weird in the sense that although I already knew from the very beginning that I would never know when & how we could ever be united one day & will that one special day ever arrive for us? Even though there are so many uncertainties now somehow deep down inside me I feel so very bless & happy to have found you in my life & I feel even more blessed knowing you have a special feelings for me, is the greatest gift I never thought I'm that deserving at all.

How can I possibly fall in love when the future is so unknown & how the hell did I fall in love with someone when I don't see the future ahead of me with you at least for now....I wonder what the future holds for us baby...? How can it feel so beautiful & yet so wrong in every single way....how can this be happening?

All I ever know now is that you've stolen my heart in a very special way which I could have never imagine even in my wildest dream. You make me feel like myself once again in a special way too that I don't even know how it all started. I could never have imagined & not once ever expected that you will enter into my life this soon this early. I never ever thought or even expected that life would give me another chance in love with someone else. No, not me I suppose. Moreover, I was never serious of anything about you in the first place.

Just when everything seems to fall beautifully into places then in a split second that same sweet beautiful moments that was happening to us just spiral downhill so fast that it took me by surprised & appalled at the same time in disbelief when I received the news. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw those words.

As for now, I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days, weeks, months or a year from now. Whatever it is that is going to happen I'm sure it happens for a good reason. Yes, that's what my level headed is telling me but my broken aching & hurting heart is telling me otherwise....my heart is just preparing for that moment of truth which I know will hurt me very badly. However, I refuse to anticipate that for now....not until I hear straight from the horse's mouth himself.

Will your selfless love change my life forever?

Will everything be all worth while in the end?

Will you wait for me, with me & still be with me at the end of all these craziness?

I guess, I've said what I wanted to say here at least for now...

Well, before I end this entry, I want to remind myself how these lyrics below means so much to me in every special way with you...

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Everything's changed, we never knew

....things change....people do change & only time will tell the real truth...

It cuts like a knife.....

Why is it I can't smell the roses anymore?

The beautiful things life has to offer...I wonder..

As I'm sitting here in the dark room all by myself....the weather outside is not making me any better....it's dark & gloomy as gloom as I am feeling right now.

My heart is dying little by little as time goes by. The air is stale & I feel suffocated whenever I try to breathe.

At times I feel like a living person who's heart I had left behind somewhere hidden in an unknown place I don't even know.

I don't want to be sad again.

I don't want to be hurt ever again.

I want to be my true self again.

I want to be the person I used to be.

I know there's so much to life than this why then am I seeing dark clouds ahead?

I guess, I have to find a way to heal this broken heart that is slowly dying so much pain & hurt that it cuts like a knife through it....

Am I here....??

I'm alone & for the very first time in my life I feel very lonely. I feel like I'm a lost lone butterfly or soul. I'm flying & floating aimlessly with no specific direction....no clue to where I'm going.

I feel like I needed someone right now but who?

What's in my head right now is how life sucks!

I wish things could have been different & yet at the same time I feel that there must be some reasons for all that's happening around me.

Why is it that I have so many unanswered questions in my head?

Everything that life throws at me seems to make me even more fragile & disheartened to continue whatever that I had set my mind on.

Sometimes I don't even know my true self anymore...and for a few moments of silence I'm staring blankly at the screen with a blank mind...

As much as I don't want my heart to rule me over & would rather prefer my head to do the talking but this feeling keeps creeping in slowly back to where it started.

There were times that I feel how I wish time could fly faster than it already is. How I wish that moment of truth is nearing closer & closer..

Can I handle the unknown future? Or should I cherish every moment that I have everyday....taking one day at a time but one day & everyday seems worthless & meaningless as time goes by...

What am I waiting for? What am I searching for? Can it even be possible? Will it ever come true in the end? Will I ever find that happiness I've been looking for all this time? Why am I feeling this way?

I feel so lost & at a lost...

I Can Feel You All Around Me

I like the whole feeling of this music...it has a lot of meanings to me. This song reflects the emotions that I have now.

Oh, what is really happening to me right now?

I'm a little frustrated as I can't recall how I first felt when I had this same feeling. Is it the same or is it different this time around? Does it matter at all? Well, I really don't have the answer to that, though I really wish I could have come up with one....but one thing for sure how can this be happening to me now....not that I don't want it coming but I kept asking myself will this time be for real? Is he the real deal for me? Is he the one?

Yes, I'm afraid...I'm afraid of being let down yet again one more time cause for years I have always wanted the kind of love that I've never had in my life & I want it to be perfect. I desperately yearning for that one eternal love like the one I saw in movies & one of them is The Notebook where two people are crazily in love with one another till the end of time. That's what I've been painting in my head all these years. Love to me is very important & being with someone who loves me for the person that I am so deeply is just near to heaven I suppose.

I don't really know if it's different this time....but one thing for sure this time around somehow I feel like I'm letting my feelings run wild & free. Something just tells me that I shouldn't be holding back about this feelings. I should just let it go & flow. Could this be true? Should I just follow my heart? Can I trust this heart? That's my dilemma...but somehow it feels so damn good this time around like I've never felt before in my life....

Perhaps is it because I'm not feeling desperate this time around? Is it because I'm taking things slow & easy? Is it because I've never could have imagine that it could be this beautiful between us?

Even though I know that only time will tell us, if we will ever be together in the future but somehow I'm not afraid of that in fact I feel bless to be given that amount of time to get to know each other better. Although at times when I think with my head it's just so crazy not knowing if we will ever be united one day.

Should I deny this feelings when I know I can't avoid it no matter how much I try to with all my might.

I gradually fell for him as I never once imagine that I could ever find love in this manner & as time passed by us, it became somewhat evidently stronger & stronger that I felt no control at all over it.

When this feeling gets intense inch by inch, I wish he could wrap his arms around me & never let go. I wish too, I could smell the scent of his body, his musky cologne, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat, wrapping my arms around him, looking deeply into his eyes into his very soul & whisper sweet nothings. It's just heaven baby.

Will this fairy tale last forever?

The Lake House

I had just finished watching this movie especially because I adore Keanu Reeves and I must say it's a beautiful story line although it's a little confusing at first how two people lived at different time & yet be able to get to know each other & communicate.....how can that possibly happen?

This movie was introduced by a dear friend of mine whom I rather not mention it here.
But definitely someone special to me....

Anyway, this movie has somehow moved me to tears which came surprisingly.

I love the part where Sandra Bullock as Kate said to Keanu Reeves (Alex Wyler) at the beginning of this video where Kate was clenching both her hands together wishing hard & she then went down to her knees & cried..... that scene, well, made me cry like a river...

"I know why you didn't show up that night. It was you. Please don't go. Just wait. Please. Don't try to find me. I love you....."

"wait for me.....wait with me.....just wait....."

One thing I know about is how determined one can be to be with the one you loved dearly......

I just wish one day that one special day will finally arrive.....



and here's another video which I like very much too because of the meanings behind this very lovely song...

this is for you baby...



..........................................

Those days are gone, now I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall, in love, with you?

..........................................
kisses & hugs

Love is in my Heart

I don't understand it either
Somehow I refuse to understand
And I'm confuse at the same time

I can't sleep
I can't breathe
I can't think

My world is spinning around
Am I slowly losing my grip?
And letting my guard down?

I recognise this feeling
I've been here before
But is it for real this time?
Will it ever last forever this time around?

Why does it have to be this way?
Why this feeling?
Why?

Why does it have to begin in the first place?
Knowing that it wasn't on purpose
Knowing that I can't stop now
Was I even prepared for this?

Is this what we call fate?
Or is it just another game?
To win & lose in the end?

Though I know it's gonna hurt me even as it is now
But somehow I can't help but feel good
Even if momentarily sparkle
Even if I know it could never be possible

I can't & I won't be a fool
But this is exactly how I feel
It's aching me inside
Am I out of my mind?

Sometimes I'm exhausted
Sometimes I just wanna give up
But I'm the only one who knows the real reason
Why I can't retreat just yet

If I could foresee the unknown world
Perhaps I don't have to go through this pain
Knowing that everything's gonna be alright

Why does it have to be you?

An illusion, a dream or reality....

Well, I've been abandoning this blog for quite sometime now....gee, how time flies...

I'm not quite sure myself why I decided to write something here today....

Perhaps, it's because of these wonderful words from a wonderful friend that I've found in my life....

Check this out.....

Quote:

No one knows why life begins and end…. Why do we live?

No one knows why people have soul…and even what human soul is.

What’s the point of speaking to myself without saying a word to the world?

Why do I feel this hurt for been away from the one I miss…inside of me?

Is it love? Is this hurt an illusion?

If it’s an illusion, how can an illusion hurt so much inside of me?

I believe in pain because I feel it… this pain its real so I guess I believe in illusions.

Unquote.

It's the most beautiful phrases someone had written to me. But somehow as of right now I don't want to believe in anything yet. We will never know what the future holds & I don't want to get hurt all over again. It's just too painful to handle all by myself. I wouldn't want to imagine myself going through the same pain & the hurt that nearly cost my sanity.....

No way, will I ever allow that to happen.....how much more for a guy who isn't worth my heart, my soul, my devotion, my endless love for him.....

Does anyone know what really love is all about?

Perhaps, when your heart aches for someone to reciprocate your feelings, you thought that's what love is...

Perhaps, because you want to fill this void inside you & you've found someone who can do exactly just that, you thought that's what love is...

Perhaps, what you painted in your head that he or she is the perfect match for you & you thought that's what love is...

Perhaps when you know he or she feels the same way as you do, you thought that's what love is...

So, what really is love??

I guess, it's a mystery that we could never really find out.....

I'll always be a student in life & for that I've learned, feelings alone aren't always the only thing to make one's relationship last forever....

Sometimes I wonder......

Many times when the one that you're yearning for is so far apart whom you can't touch or hold is the one that you think & feel you treasured the most....

But somehow when you get to the point where he or she is & will always be there for you.....we forget that we often take things for granted.....

We forget to cherish, nourish & nurture the relationship that we were once intensely in love with & that if we won't be able to have him or her.....nothing else matters anyway......

Love has blinded us for those still moments.......

We all tend to get caught up so much in every day life trying our mights to make ends meet that we forget to cherish the ones we love & all the promises are nowhere to be remembered....

Well, am I too got caught up with my very own fantasy world I'd painted all these years??

However, on the flip side.....am I wrong to want & decide to settle down for my own future & happiness??

Do I see any future anyway??

And am I being selfish for everything that he has done for me or am I too dumb to just throw away my youth & everything I have now or should I just give up trying & try to live happily when deep down I know I'm not....

We're given souls & life to live on this earth to be tested & to finally make the right decisions but most of the times we never pause for a moment what we really want in life.....

For now, life goes on.......

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

Survivor Micronesia #8 - Erik, a lost puppy dog

I don't get it when Airai sent Ozzy to Exile Island that would only mean he would receive individual immunity good only for that night tribal council. Though I had the hunch at first that they would choose Ozzy but then again I still don't get it cause this means that Ozzy will get another night at the game. I mean come on, there's a list of other names as well but why chose him?

Meanwhile, Erik did most of the running at the challenge & did spectacularly well in that game except for that big jumped which I thought he did pretty much made sure that he ended up on the other side of the platform before decided to make that giant leap which ended him being hit hard on his chest. Ohhh poor guy, that was pretty painful to watch. I could feel it if I were the one taking that leap of faith. Fortunately, he appears to be alright once he & the rest of the tribe arrived at their camp.

Alright, for the record, I really can't help myself but laughed at Erik's expression after spewing out everything about Ami to both Amanda & Cirie, then waited for Ozzy's returned & the hilarious thing was when Ozzy noticed Erik's expression whom he said looked like a "lost puppy dog." He sure did look like one.

As for Ami, I just thought that she talked way too much during the tribal council. She even went on mentioning Eliza's name when she's not suppose to, I think, cause not everyone liked Eliza. By the way, neither do I from the first second I saw her. Sorry gal. I think that probably cost her to be voted off from the tribe. More so, intuitively from the beginning, she knew that she's in a precarious position.

Soaps, ........

I can't help it but these are the reasons why I love watching my favourite shows in random order:

The sexy, lovable, compassionate doc who is none other than Dr Mehmet Oz. I don't know really but probably this is just me I guess, I just find him appealing & sexy whenever he wears his scrubs on Oprah show. I think I'll feel very much comfortable if he's my doctor. *grins*

The kissable, huggable, compassionate, Tyra Banks & her wonderful campaign:

These two on-screen love birds are the very reason I started watching soaps again. I can't seem to get enough of Rick & Taylor. The thing about Rick that I like is he has this thingy script that requires him to say "trust me" & "like hell it is". It's just damn hot. I'm really hoping their relationship will get even hotter than just Rick helping Taylor to get Jack's custody. Will someone get into Taylor's head to make her stay with that hot hunk. Mmm, I actually have a few favourite episodes of B&B but these are just a few of them.



Isn't this scene below seals it all that they make a great couple together. The kissing is just so hot or is it more of the background music that makes it even more sweeter. Woo hoo! Go Trick!



Another romantic atmosphere.



It's no surprise that Milo Ventimiglia is the main reason I watched Heroes. Someone had made a sex bomb video about him at Youtube. *lol* He actually looked even more sex bomb with his hair cut short in season 2 than on the first season of Heroes.



Phew, let's hope this is the last one. Though I no longer watched GH, I do still like Tamara Braun as Carly Corinthos but those days are over. She has now joined Days of Our Lives.



Just like any other shows or movies, I'm only watching them purely for entertainment purposes. Truth is, I don't let myself to be way too emotionally attached and/or carried away with any these characters though I do often times find myself looking forward to my favourite characters on the coming episodes **roll eyes**

It feels kind of silly sometimes when I get carried away by the characters they play knowing they are just actors & actresses doing their thing for a living. At the end of the day, it's back to REALITY WORLD. Too many times, the scenes we see on television are purely a romantic illusions trying to play around with our hearts & mind.

ok, folks. I'm done! I need to get a bite right now! This tummy has already started to rumble...

Shakespeare's love quotes??

Honestly, I don't really know where these two quotes originated from but somehow I like the look & feel of it.

Sort of a reminder; there are no such things as fairytales romance.

Love, amore

Gosh! I really don't know how to begin this entry. I was typing away about love in my yesterday's entry & know what, today it seems like I was being reminded once again. It's totally unbelievable! I was feeling yet another crappy day today so I needed to rest a little longer & to add to my misery my tummy wasn't feeling any good either. When I woke up, I took a glass of water & turn on the tv set. I wasn't thinking anything as I watched Ellen's show. While she was doing her thing entertaining the audience, my eyes was fixed to her background that had some heart-shaped photos for quite a good few minutes. Nothing seems to really sink anything into my head & then suddenly Bam! Something just hit me. I realised that at that moment, Ellen was proposing to a lady on behalf of her boyfriend.

I don't really know if all these that just happened to me is just a mere coincidence, a reminder perhaps or some sort of a message He's trying to send me. Alright, here's the deal, I just visited someone's blog which I usually drop by & know what, her latest entry was about love! She's thinking the same thing like I was thinking all this week, I guess. Isn't this yet another unbelievable coincidence?! Is He trying to tell me something?

I just hope something good & wonderful will come out of this!

I heart rain

It's raining cats & dogs here. I just love rainy days. I don't quite like the endless drizzling of rain although to me it's still better to have rain than no rain at all. **grin**

Here's the thing, when I was growing up, well even up till today, oh dear! I can't believe I'm making a confession right now **blushing**

Alright, here's my little confession. I love the idea of walking in the rain & getting myself all drench. Please don't ask why, it makes me feel so close to nature, I guess. Everytime the sky glooms over my head or just seeing the skies all dark & gloomy, I'm all elated!

Anyway, lately I've been too lazy to update anything here. Just not in any kind of mood to even have a look at my own blog, more so update anything in here. Guess, I'm not in the right mind to write anything these couple of days even though I've so many things to say. I really don't like the idea of me getting carried away while trying to compose my thoughts.

The past few days I've been over indulging myself with tons of B&B romantic episodes between Rick & Taylor. Ahh! This sappy love thingy, if only it could just go away!!

There were many times after I published my thoughts I ended up hitting the delete key. The thing is I'm totally in dilemma as regards to what He's trying to tell me the past few weeks while I'm away from my blog. I truly don't understand why these things keep coming back to me be it on the television, magazines, articles, talk shows etc. What bugs me most is it's almost bizarre, the things that's been going on lately. Ok, here's the thing everytime I watched a talkshow, the subject of the day will always be about love & relationship. By the way, this wasn't the first time it happened to me. Seems to me like it's been going on for several weeks now. Seems like a reminder to me over & over again. And not only that, everytime I pick up any book or magazine, I'll always come across these inspiring romantic love relationship stories. It just keeps me wondering at times. Is it because there's some chemical reaction in my brain that causes all these to make me feel that there's something out there waiting for something wonderful to happen. Nah! I'm a very very sceptical person for someone to find true love through reading someone else's blog?! Don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon or EVER! I mean, how can I possibly be certain if that person is the real deal or perhaps he's just some looney who happens to surf around, hopping from one blog to another.

Oh, by the way, got to know this book, seems like it receive good reviews too. It's called eat, pray & LOVE. You see why I capitalise the word 'love'. I'm terrible at reading thick long winded books or novels so I personally do not know if this book is really to my liking. All I know the book is about a lady who decided to take a journey to Italy to eat, then went to India & Bali to learn meditation or pray. And while she isn't looking for love at the time, she did find someone. If I'm not wrong she was divorced when she left for Italy.

Here's another one, titled "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Just a short synopsis about a compelling love story. A man's love for a woman that spans more than 50 years. Google about the novel if you want o find out more about the book. I'm feeling heavenly all hopelessly in love now.....

Looks like the rain has started to drizzle now. Ohh, such beautiful day. Well, think I spoke too early, it started raining heavily again. Nice!

Her secret unveil

While surfing the net this morning, I came across this Madonna's Secret Weapon which caught my eyes for a good seconds. I think she has a superbly fantastic great figure considering that she's 50 years old. Wow! She's really something, isn't she? I'd still recalled her song; Who's that girl?? ha ha.....she's a woman now!

When I was half her age, I had a slim figure though I'm not even half as good or fit like her. Lately I've been on a munching machine almost all the time during the day. Just like many women out there I go through different phases in my life from a size small to medium to large. My figure now is more or less like Britney. Whenever I go out shopping, I had to look for either medium or a large size.

I remember one day (don't know what got into me exactly) I decided I wanna know what I look & feel like if I just let myself go by putting a few extra kilos than my ideal size. I've been on my current size consistently for a few years now & it's getting harder to get back into shape to where I used to. I'm still working on it & lucky for me although I do have cravings or hunger pangs at times I still manage to control them. I just learned that whenever you feel hungry you should first drink plain water first. It will make your tummy full only temporarily then perhaps you can take something like a complex carbohydrate such as, wholemeal bread, wholegrain cereals, oatmeal etc so that you won't have unnecessary hunger pangs.

Knowing that my metabolism rate has slowed down quite rapidly eons ago, I refuse believe that one can be gaining weight & stays that way once you reach a certain age. I was like "Oh no, that won't happen to me!" But now that I'm in this position I certainly know how it feels like when your weight keeps going north.

Since young, I've always been the slim & petite person in the family. I guess, back then I wasn't really enjoying my food ( I ate only because my tummy was grumbling for food & that's about it) as much as I love munching away now. Still along the way as I was discovering myself, I figured that I've intolerance for lactose & sugary load stuff. Oohhh, how I wish I could bite into those apple pies every other day....

Anyway, here are some good pointers from Tracy Anderson the Guru herself:

• Any time you are doing the same movement over and over you are building and bulking your muscles," she says. "It is very important to change your rotations and hit your muscles from different angles
  Ballet Grand Plies: Stand with heels together, toes slightly apart. With a straight back, bend at the knee as low as you can, then go back up again. Work up to 100 reps.
• Abdominal Crunches: Lie on the floor with arms at your side, your legs in front of you. Raise yourself slightly until you feel a "crunch" in your abs and then lie back down. The key here is to do it with your legs straight out in front of you, as that will really work your stomach without bulking it up. Work up to 100 reps.
• Piking: Lie flat on the floor, arms at your sides. Lift straight legs up to ceiling to 90 degrees and then gently lower. Without pausing, lift them back up again. Your upper body should remain flat on the ground.
  Both arms and legs should be straight with your toes pointed. Work up to 100 reps.
• Advanced Piking: Lie on the floor, legs straight out in front of you with your arms on the floor stretched out over your head. Hold onto a 3lb weight and bring your hands up to meet your legs when you raise them to a 90-degree angle and lower your arms and legs back down to the floor at the same time. Both arms and legs should be straight with your toes pointed. Work up to 100 reps.
• AND FINALLY...
  Stop making excuses - just do it.

Guess, I'm making myself an excuse for today.....opps!

Survivor Micronesia #6

I remember watching Jonathan Penner in an excruciatingly painful situation when his punctured knee was sewn by a medic. I hate having to watch him go at a time when he did exceptionally well in the Reward challenges despite the fact that his limping leg wasn't getting any better. It was very emotional situation as well when he had to make a split-second decision to get his infected leg treated in a hospital. I was heartbroken watching him bid his farewell & seeing the others getting very emotional. I just think that the tugging game was brutal & it seems to me that not much thought has been put into it. It's obviously a disaster.

Meanwhile, Chet Welch has decided to leave the game due to his injury in his heels during his trip to the exile island. After much battling within himself with the ideas others; Tracy, Erik & Ami had put into his head & weighing the pros & cons he decided that he wasn't into blind sided Ozzy in the end.

Throughout the entire episode, I honestly thought Chet was making excuses for himself to quit the game. I do feel a tinge of sadness when he was alas voted out by his tribe. It does feel like an obligation though when everyone clearly decided to vote him off. Perhaps, it wasn't meant to be for these two guys to outlast in the game much less to win this Survivor game after all.

Survivor of the Fittest Fever

I've been watching Survivor Micronesia since the first episode except for one I purposely made sure I missed the episode. I ain't an ardent fan of Survivor but somehow, what attracted me this time around was the two opponents pitting against each other between fans & favourites. It's entirely a new ballgame. What could be better & interesting, the fact that I get to see James & Amanda again. I've to disappoint you guys yet again, that neither of them are my favourites either. However after the last tribal council of Survivor China which James was in, I kind of see the kind of man James really is. Very endearing & he seems like a really nice guy. Well apart from that, do I need to mention his shapely physique?

I'd prefer Amanda for her sweet, demure & dove like eyes & ohh, the first thing she did the moment she arrived on the jungle was to get hook up with Ozzy the man. I think Ozzy is kind of cute & charming. There's something about the look on his eyes that makes, I think, Amanda wants to get close & discover him more, cause I do.

Anyway, I'll randomly pick the ones that interest me the most on this episodes of Survivor Micronesia. You see, when I first saw Mikey B, the first impression that I got about him was the looks on his face; definitely a confused guy & the funny thing is, sorry Mikey, unfortunately for him, he hadn't had any clue whatsoever that Joel was on top of the game. Joel has got the entire cards all to himself when he managed to persuade & has everyone's vote for Mikey's new found jungle love, Mary. Poor Mary she was the one who had to go while Mikey was utterly stunned by the verdict.

Thank God, finally Joel was out of the race on the next episode when Serene decided that it's time to act. I don't think what Joel did to Chet justify his needs to win the game badly. I felt it was pretty brutal watching Joel physically tugging Chet behind him like he was some heavy sack or something. In fact, I think he had badly screwed up every chance that he had in this game. Goodbye Joel, don't think many of the Survivor fans will miss you. On the other hand, I don't understand what really is going on with Chet physically. I guess, lady luck has always been by his side. Fortunately, he didn't suffer any serious injuries during & after that game. Somehow, I do sympathise with Chet though I kept wondering whoever picked both of them to do that challenge together.

Delicate affairs of the heart

For some unknown reasons I just thought that I need to let this out. If only these confusions that have been bugging me could stop momentarily. Wouldn't it be great!

It never once crossed my mind that one day I’d be facing with a heartbreak. As we got to know each other better I’m rather confuse as to whether I should follow my heart. On the other hand, it's yearning for something that I once thought I’ve found with someone but unfortunately, everything changed since that day. I feel at a lost now.

It’s been really an emotional roller coaster ride. Some things has left me emotionally scarred. But looking at the bright side, I should be thankful to Him. Yes, spirituality plays a big role in my life. Yet, I can’t deny this feelings I have. Try as I might to want to still believe. The fact still remains & perhaps it’s not so much of the past that makes me feel this way though it still hurts sometimes but it is the very one question that I’ve long been waiting for that makes me wanna reassess if the relationship is really worth it all.

There were times when I felt so hopeless when everything seems to be going the opposite direction. I wonder if I could ever find that happiness & true love in my life. A love that can weather any storms. It's different this time around when you have to consider your child 's happiness as well. It's a lot easier if you can just think about the kind of guy you want to be with but seeking a father figure for my kiddo is another thing! It's an uphill task.

Sometimes circumstances made it even more confusing that I doubt if this is the love that I want to be with. I just can't see how it's gonna happen anytime soon. I wonder if it's a waste to let go? Am I selfish?

It wasn’t easy to have to deal such overwhelmed mixed emotions all by yourself even more when you’re in a conflicting situation. I’ve learned that no matter whatever life throws their way at you, in the face of adversity I need to be strong for the both of us.

Just as my fingers were typing away, I remember a saying that goes something like this 'when you love someone it doesn't always mean that you'll be together forever'. Perhaps, there's some truth in that statement. Perhaps God has given me all the signs & answers but I've yet to react on it. Though I never stop dreaming of having the perfect family image that I've always carry in my head. The truth is life in itself isn't perfect at all. One thing for certain is, it isn't that easy to find that one person who could be both a true soul mate & a good father to your child. It's a very daunting task to say the least. Furthermore, try looking around there are many incidents of infidelity, betrayal & abuse to which I often ask myself, if someone truly loves somebody, why do these things happen every so often in today’s society? What does it take to have all the love & trust to vanish in a snap of a finger?

Life is full of twists & turns so much so that I sometimes wonder if I really am blessed with everything that I have now. Sometimes when you're blessed with a soul mate, unfortunately, he isn't the person you thought he'd be & when you're blessed with someone else in your life you're face with a situation you never thought you'd be at a crossroads one day. Will the promise ever come true?

Alright, enuff said. I don't want to get all carried away. I've been listening to this song over several times. I kind of fell in love all over again!



I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
.......
I don't know where
Confused about how as well

The morning I decided

With half opened eyes, I looked around but the room was still dark. My eyes were sticky from the late night movies I had watched last night. It's been 30 minutes since I stopped the beeping sound of the alarm clock which my kiddo had given me for mom's day. He'd his own alarm set too last night but I hadn't heard his yet, I finally rise up, did the things I always do each time I wake up in the morning. Actually, I had planned to do something today. I told the kiddo before bedtime last night about my agenda for today & he was all up for it.

Gosh! I haven't done this in years, the last time I jogged was way back during my high school. It was fun back then. I'd still remember whenever it was time for the physical exercise session, I'm always eager to go for it. I've always love jogging but have never like running, though. But now, I wasn't really sure if I could even make it to the other side of the track.

So, off we went early in the morning when the sky is blue & the morning weather is just so fine. We started off slowly upon reaching a nearby park. Since, this is the first time I started jogging after years of hiatus, I'd expected that I wouldn't be able or even manage to jog very far. Taking the first step in deciding to jog again wasn't a difficult decision to make at all as I've always like doing it though.

I don't want to expect too much from the initial run cause I was literally catching my breath only after the first few metres of my jogging. We jogged & walked intermittently along a distance of roughly about 2.5km long. We decided to sit on a solid bench only once along the beautiful sandy beach to catch the view of several docking ships which I'd not seen for a long time. Though the sun had started showing its rays on us, the feeling was beautiful & warmth. It was a lovely sight even though the weather was slightly hazy. It's such a joy being able to enjoy the scenery of the open seas once in awhile with my kiddo. I love taking a long walk at the beach especially in the morning when the air is fresh & the ambience is exceptionally calm, beautiful & serene.

As we started walking again, I decided that it's time we both headed straight for breakfast. Kiddo had a fish burger while I got myself some hot buttery pancakes. Surprisingly, we both were unable to finish the food though the only thing I ate was just a small portion of a pancake. I guess, what made our tummies full in quick seconds was because the first thing we both did was to get our hands on the ice cold milo which was for the first time in my life, it felt really good when the water flows down my throat & as far as I can remember it hasn't taste as good & delicious as this one.

After breakfast, we headed to a nearby store to do some groceries to grab my daily journal, some leafy green vegetables, a couple of fruits like oranges & some juicy dragon fruits which has been my kiddo's favourite fruit. These fruits shall be eaten cold, straight from the fridge especially during a hot summer day. However, it hasn't been sunny for days here. I arrived home feeling de-stress & invigoratingly energetic. I expect some aches on some parts of my body in days to come. Ouchh!

Sweat it out

It's been a long time since I sweat out. Halfway along the corridor, I took a longer route to get my daily journal & decided that I should take the stairs instead of the elevator. When I came back from the store, I took the stairways again. I thought of giving up halfway through cause I could feel my legs had started to tremble a little. I feel a sense of satisfaction - just a little, as I've always wanted to do some workout cause more often than not I tend to procrastinate a lot.Urghh..

Although, I basically like to workout, I don't think that I'm very strict or extreme in my workout routine or regime but I've always like & enjoy working out be it indoors or outdoors just as long as I know of my limitations & capabilities. I've been doing a lot of stretching ever since I was in my teens but as of late I've been too lazy to do just that.

Finding Balance

At the beginning of the year, I decided to take my carbs & protein just enough for my daily activities. I don't think I'd need a huge or heavy meals to tie me over for the next couple of hours or so. I've learned to take small batches of meals in between hours so I'd be full throughout the entire day. It curbs my eating tendencies to eat junk foods & cravings for anything sugary. Furthermore, I recently noticed that I have sugar intolerance as well. So, I just might as well try to eat or binge healthily.

I had wholegrain oats for breakfast this morning. I'd broth some fungus soup which I'd prepared earlier. Hopefully, this will fill me up till about around 3 or 4pm. By then, I'll try to rummage the cabinets in the kitchen to see if I can find anything for my dinner later.

Wherefore art thou, ......

It's that day of the month again. I'm not so much into this Valentine thing but I do wonder at times......what is love, actually?

You know, love is sometimes strange. When you least expect it that's when love happens. On a related note, it reminded me of someone, someone everyone in this world knows about. The person I'm referring to is Demi Moore. There's just something about her that I like. Then Ashton Kutcher came into her life, somehow I felt overjoyed for her not that I cared very much though about these two strangers. Hello?? Am I related to them? Nope! But somehow you just can't stop feeling the way you feel about certain celebrities you know only through the media. How funny is that?

Anyway, just a couple of years ago, I came across a picture of Demi with both her husband & ex-husband together in a sailing boat *if my memory serves me correctly*, while browsing some magazines in a bookstore. I was taken aback by surprised with that rare picture of them together. The closeness that she shared with both her men is out of this world. One that she once loved & the other, she's deeply in love with. Nevertheless, though quite surprised, I never paid that much attention to details about her life then until I accidentally watched a prime time tv show where she talked about her life & beliefs. My perception of her instantly changed right after that show. I now understand what's going through her mind & the way she sees things especially in her life, way back when her mother was still alive until she met Kutcher. Her story & courage is really an eye-opener to me. I think she's one of the luckiest women on earth to be able to have so much love surrounding her. I think she's very fortunate & bless to be surrounded by all four categories of love; security, friendship, romance & unconditional love which I've always dreamt about. Oh dear, I don't want to get emotional right now. Anyway, I've been listening to this song being played over & over again in the background...



This is just my personal thoughts that it has always been the case whereby at the start of a romantic fairytale like relationship we spend a tremendous amount of time to celebrate our dying love for each other but as time goes by the chemistry we once had starts to wane, the anticipation that you once felt during the first few years gradually becomes an expectation. When those expectations aren't met we start to wonder why do fairytales end here.

The dating game & courtship process isn’t any easier either. To think that many are celebrating this special day but there are still as many men & women out there who are still seeking the right one for them. In my opinion, a divorced guy whether or not he has any kids takes a shorter time to find a single available woman who's willing to make a commitment than for a woman who’s divorced or a widow who happens to have a brood towed behind tends to take a much longer time in finding a good decent quality guy not just any kind of guy who precisely wants to have the same level of commitment in a relationship.

Many a times, I wonder where are all the good decent men? It just isn't easy finding a really good decent guy nowadays *sigh*

They're either dishonest, unfaithful, womaniser, abuser & the list goes on. Perhaps the past seems to overshadow this feelings of mine or perhaps I'm looking at all the wrong places! Duh!!

Sometime ago, I've read somewhere in an article that love can actually happen in almost everywhere. Think about the type of guy you want to meet for instance if you want someone who's athletic, you could go to a soccer game or if you're only interested in a candle-like guy to light up the family look at religious groups. Interestingly, you may even find him at a nearby grocery store if you're at the right place & at the right moment. Woo hoo, how romantic can that be?!!

"Love can happen anywhere & finding it may require you to break away from some traditional assumptions. He doesn't need to be older than you, or more educated, or earn more...to appreciate, respect & love you for who you are"

I don't know about others but once when you're head over heels with someone you love, you had everything all mapped out in your head, daydreaming the ideal family life that you've always wanted, constantly visualizing & painting that perfect family images in your head but unfortunately the reality is - those imaginary images don't always turn out the way we want them to be. Truth is, it isn't always a fairytale love ending stories in many relationships that I know of. Except for those few lucky ones out there, I guess.

I've long buried the thoughts of seeking a new lease of life along with my broken heart since the incident occurred during the time someone new came along in my life. I thank God for giving me the strength that I very much needed at the time when I'm at a lost.

Perhaps one day, true love will find its way to my broken heart. For now, I'll cherish every single moment that I have with God’s greatest gift He’s given me.

This song reminds me of someone I lost to a premature death, whenever my heart yearns for him I surrounded myself with the scent of his sweat shirts..by the way, Milo's super hot in here.



The smell of your skin lingers on me now
.......
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay