It cuts like a knife.....

Why is it I can't smell the roses anymore?

The beautiful things life has to offer...I wonder..

As I'm sitting here in the dark room all by myself....the weather outside is not making me any better....it's dark & gloomy as gloom as I am feeling right now.

My heart is dying little by little as time goes by. The air is stale & I feel suffocated whenever I try to breathe.

At times I feel like a living person who's heart I had left behind somewhere hidden in an unknown place I don't even know.

I don't want to be sad again.

I don't want to be hurt ever again.

I want to be my true self again.

I want to be the person I used to be.

I know there's so much to life than this why then am I seeing dark clouds ahead?

I guess, I have to find a way to heal this broken heart that is slowly dying so much pain & hurt that it cuts like a knife through it....

Am I here....??

I'm alone & for the very first time in my life I feel very lonely. I feel like I'm a lost lone butterfly or soul. I'm flying & floating aimlessly with no specific direction....no clue to where I'm going.

I feel like I needed someone right now but who?

What's in my head right now is how life sucks!

I wish things could have been different & yet at the same time I feel that there must be some reasons for all that's happening around me.

Why is it that I have so many unanswered questions in my head?

Everything that life throws at me seems to make me even more fragile & disheartened to continue whatever that I had set my mind on.

Sometimes I don't even know my true self anymore...and for a few moments of silence I'm staring blankly at the screen with a blank mind...

As much as I don't want my heart to rule me over & would rather prefer my head to do the talking but this feeling keeps creeping in slowly back to where it started.

There were times that I feel how I wish time could fly faster than it already is. How I wish that moment of truth is nearing closer & closer..

Can I handle the unknown future? Or should I cherish every moment that I have everyday....taking one day at a time but one day & everyday seems worthless & meaningless as time goes by...

What am I waiting for? What am I searching for? Can it even be possible? Will it ever come true in the end? Will I ever find that happiness I've been looking for all this time? Why am I feeling this way?

I feel so lost & at a lost...

I Can Feel You All Around Me

I like the whole feeling of this music...it has a lot of meanings to me. This song reflects the emotions that I have now.

Oh, what is really happening to me right now?

I'm a little frustrated as I can't recall how I first felt when I had this same feeling. Is it the same or is it different this time around? Does it matter at all? Well, I really don't have the answer to that, though I really wish I could have come up with one....but one thing for sure how can this be happening to me now....not that I don't want it coming but I kept asking myself will this time be for real? Is he the real deal for me? Is he the one?

Yes, I'm afraid...I'm afraid of being let down yet again one more time cause for years I have always wanted the kind of love that I've never had in my life & I want it to be perfect. I desperately yearning for that one eternal love like the one I saw in movies & one of them is The Notebook where two people are crazily in love with one another till the end of time. That's what I've been painting in my head all these years. Love to me is very important & being with someone who loves me for the person that I am so deeply is just near to heaven I suppose.

I don't really know if it's different this time....but one thing for sure this time around somehow I feel like I'm letting my feelings run wild & free. Something just tells me that I shouldn't be holding back about this feelings. I should just let it go & flow. Could this be true? Should I just follow my heart? Can I trust this heart? That's my dilemma...but somehow it feels so damn good this time around like I've never felt before in my life....

Perhaps is it because I'm not feeling desperate this time around? Is it because I'm taking things slow & easy? Is it because I've never could have imagine that it could be this beautiful between us?

Even though I know that only time will tell us, if we will ever be together in the future but somehow I'm not afraid of that in fact I feel bless to be given that amount of time to get to know each other better. Although at times when I think with my head it's just so crazy not knowing if we will ever be united one day.

Should I deny this feelings when I know I can't avoid it no matter how much I try to with all my might.

I gradually fell for him as I never once imagine that I could ever find love in this manner & as time passed by us, it became somewhat evidently stronger & stronger that I felt no control at all over it.

When this feeling gets intense inch by inch, I wish he could wrap his arms around me & never let go. I wish too, I could smell the scent of his body, his musky cologne, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat, wrapping my arms around him, looking deeply into his eyes into his very soul & whisper sweet nothings. It's just heaven baby.

Will this fairy tale last forever?

The Lake House

I had just finished watching this movie especially because I adore Keanu Reeves and I must say it's a beautiful story line although it's a little confusing at first how two people lived at different time & yet be able to get to know each other & communicate.....how can that possibly happen?

This movie was introduced by a dear friend of mine whom I rather not mention it here.
But definitely someone special to me....

Anyway, this movie has somehow moved me to tears which came surprisingly.

I love the part where Sandra Bullock as Kate said to Keanu Reeves (Alex Wyler) at the beginning of this video where Kate was clenching both her hands together wishing hard & she then went down to her knees & cried..... that scene, well, made me cry like a river...

"I know why you didn't show up that night. It was you. Please don't go. Just wait. Please. Don't try to find me. I love you....."

"wait for me.....wait with me.....just wait....."

One thing I know about is how determined one can be to be with the one you loved dearly......

I just wish one day that one special day will finally arrive.....



and here's another video which I like very much too because of the meanings behind this very lovely song...

this is for you baby...



..........................................

Those days are gone, now I want you so much
The night is long and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight

What can I do to make you mine?
Fallen so hard, so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble

I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall, in love, with you?

..........................................
kisses & hugs