Lonely, Alone & All By Ourselves

I was feeling rather exhausted last night. Sitting by the beach all alone by myself as I waited for my kid to come back from school. The days seem so very long. There were days I had to wait from dawn till dusk. My butt hurts so much. I occupy myself by reading a story book as well as write some journals about my thoughts & feelings for the day. It's the only way for me to kill my free time.

Although, I didn't want to walk all the way to buy us regular drinks as all I wanted to do was just to doze off earlier. Eventually, I decided to go as my mind was thinking about my kid as well as for our consumption for the next day early in the morning. He must be very exhausted, thirsty & hungry. I couldn't asked him to go all the way to the store to buy us drinks as it was already late at night. I left him while he was doing his school work using the torch light that I brought along with me. I came back an hour later only to find my kid was fast asleep. My heart aches again with sadness but I know I have to be strong for him. I know he was not only exhausted from the school activities that he had to do during the day but also we have not been eating healthy nutritious food for weeks now in order to get our energy going. We were basically starving; getting by each with instant noodles for dinner, regular water to quench our thirst and at times I would buy us a pack of milk so we won't go hungry during the whole day. The state that we're in really breaks my heart to pieces as a mom. I wish I'm a mom who could provide a comfortable life & environment not only for my kid but also for myself. The feeling of sadness starts to creep in again..

Story Of Our Lives - Homeless With A Kid

It was Saturday night. There were a couple of guys who decided to spend the weekends fishing by the sea. As usual when dusk fall, we prepare our sleeping bag. Although, it was rather crowded with people that day, we decided to catch an early sleep. In the middle of my sleep I was awaken by the loud laughter & giggling of a group of ladies together with a guy whom I shall named him as Zack were trying to capture some of the ladies' photos. I looked back and noticed a dark blue tent right next to us. At first I find it annoying and irritating as we were trying to get some sleep but I know there's really nothing I could do about it as it is a public place.

I guess, Zack noticed that I was awaken by the loud laighter of his ladies' friends cause each time I awake I could hear Zack trying to mellow down the loud noises that the ladies were making which has now filled the silence in the air around us besides the cooing sound of the waves.

As usual I woke up at around half past four early in the morning. I sit up & reached for a bottle of regular water as I was feeling rather thirsty. I then looked for some leftover plain bread which we had from last night & ate it slowly. As I looked around to see if there was anyone sitting behind on the concrete bench, I saw two dark figures approaching the bench. I realized there were the couple who had been sitting earlier. I bet they were watching us sleeping in the open air unlike everyone at the beach where almost most of the people there have set up tents. I turned around & woke up my kid as he needs to drink too. Once my kid had drank the water which I gave him, he asked for my permission to go to the restroom. As soon as he left, I heard a commotion. At the corner of my eyes, I could see that there were figures approaching our site. Suddenly I heard, one of the ladies saying "we have lots of food there". Another, brought a few food & sat beside me. The ladies were asking why are we there. I didn't say much. One of the ladies asked Zack to come over to talk to me. By then, my kid arrived. They insisted that I go over to get some of their food. I said it's alright. Then two ladies came back with food in their hands & place them all on the spot where we both were sleeping. I never expected they would be so generous, kind & friendly enough to break the ice with me. Zack started to asked questions. Although, at the time I wasn't feeling uneasy yet not easy also for me to explain everything but I tried to answer his questions politely.At the same time, while all this is going on, they kept repeating to my kid & I to eat. I don't mean to let them down or be rude but I honestly don't have any appetite to eat at all even though we were very hungry & cold. Moreover, I just had my tummy filled with the plain bread I had earlier. I just felt full.

And yes, as the questions & answers were going back & forth, all I could think of in my mind at that moment was askign the ladies if they could recommend any job for me. I don't need & don't want people to bombard me with personal questions which I feel uneasy to answer especially having to sit face to face with strangers & answering questions when both my kid & I are at our lowest point in our lives. They certainly put us in a spotlight for that long moments but somehow they put me at ease but still I feel sad & my voice choked as I try to reply whenever there are personal & sensitive questions being thrown for me to answer. I mean how does one feel if he or she is in my shoes? Eventually, Zack understands how I feel & the questions just died down as I couldn't even bring myself to answer all his questions in the rightful manner.

Those who have suffered emotionally long & hard will never see the tears in their eyes but not a single soul knows what exactly it is like to put up a brave front for all to view & yet deep down in her tiny litle heart she is crying silently. I don't think anyone can understand what it's like to be me unless they're born as me.

As dawn begins to break, one of the couples which apparently there were three couples who had overnight at the beach decided to go all the way to McDonald's to buy us all morning coffee & milo for my kid. It was the first time since we arrived at the beach that we had a fresh brew of coffee & milo for my kid. While we were drinking at the corner spot by ourselves, I heard Zack called my name. I came over & was told by him that they will leave us a tent for us to borrow for a week. We will all meet again in about a week's time. I was very touched as they were not only generous but they also have a big heart. So, for the first time in many nights, we were able to sleep in a tent...away from the prying eyes of passers by while we try to get some sleep every night.

Story Of Our Lives II

I'm taking one day at a time for now. My skin has started to get sunburn. It's to be expected since I've been spending everyday all day at the beach. It's tough when I think I've to spend alot of time at the beach mostly by myself while the kid is at school. The areas where I have sunburn hurts when I tried rubbing the surface gently with my fingers.

There was a storm yesterday as I waited patiently for my kid to come back from school as usual. I dread each time whenever there is a storm coming its way to the beach.The weather is definitely unwelcoming at all. It's wet, cold & shivering. I'm not the sort who can withstand cold. Fortunately, I had an umbrella with me. It helps shield myself from the harsh cold wind that seems to be blowing like an eternity. Time passed by so very slowly almost crawling. My kid arrived after the storm has ended. In my mind, I was thinking where are we going to sleep tonight. We were both as usual very hungry as well as cold.We haven't eaten much ever since we arrived at the beach. I have to scrimp & save the only little money I have. It' not easy for me to scrimp as I look at my kid's face. The face of hunger. It pains my heart. As the sun begins to set in, someone took pity on us by handing us a packet of porridge. It was unexpected. May God bless this person with his kindness..

I had troubled sleeping at last night. The weather was very cold due to the storm that occurred during the day. For the first ime, I experienced cramps on my legs. It doesn't help also when my body is aching all over too. I woke up very early although I had woken up several times in the middle of the night. As I watched the big ocean in frnt of me, the thought & my biggest fear of not able to provide both myself & my kid struck me like thunderstorm! I am so afraid if that will become a reality. We have no one whom we can lean on. To add to that my love life of finding a true soulmate has failed without success. I can't fathom how & what our lives will be like if that's gonna happen sooner or later. There will be no place for us to go for shelter. The second most important thing for me is how am I going to support my kid's education without any worries both for myself & my kid.NO! I don't want to see my kid sacrifice his education just so he could provide for our lives. He has a logn way to finish his education. I don't have good grades & I certainly don't want to see my only kid end up like me....

I just need a job; a 9 to 5 job where after work & during weekends I could spend time with my kid. We are both very lonely & alone. We keep each other's company but where will I be able to find a company that will accept my qualification to work in an office environment?? I'm so lost, alone & hurt...

Story Of Our Lives I

We have nowhere to go & I thank God for we've survived another night. It's been 9 days since we vacated our rented home. The first two nights by the beach were harshed.Fortunately, I brought ablanket with us but even the blanket could not protect us from the strong cold harsh wind at night. Very often, we were shivering in cold all throughout the night. I couldn't sleep well on most nights. I have to watch & look up at the sky just to make sure that we won't be in for a surprise with the sudden pour of the rain. There were days and time when the wind from the ocen was blowing like a mad man. Just like today it started to become stormy during the day while I was waiting for my kid to come back from school. Anyway, on the second night, we couldn't sleep as the sky started to get very red. I knew it's just a matter of time before the rain starts to trickle. We have to find a shelter immediately. As the rain starts to pour at 3am & the strong wind blowing furiously, we waited patiently for the rain to stop; all the while shivering in cold while my kid lowers himself against a pack of bags that we had brought along so he could get some short sleep. It feels like the time is crawling very slowly. We had no choice but to wait for the drizzling rain to stop; while at the same time I was looking around for a spot where we could place our sleeping bag. The small sleeping bag meant for one person is the only thing we have besides the blanket to protect us from the harsh wind while we sleep at night. Most nights, we watch helplessly others set up their tents except for us. It breaks my heart as I look at my kid's face. We had to sleep very early around half past seven. This way we will be able to get some sleep as my kid will be going to school the very next day. Also, by sleeping early I just hope that nothing happens to our things that we have with us and after 9 days the back of my knee including both my knees are aching badly. My butt & the back of my body hurt alot as well as the side of my waist where the bone is.

During the day, I've to sit on the hard concrete for hours waiting for my kid to come back from school. At times I wonder how I manage to keep myself sane & stay emotionally strongdespite everything that I've been through so much in all my life with no one by my side especially when I need someone to lean on to when I need the most. All the pain & hurt that I've suffered has somewhat become so deep that at times I feel like I no longer have any emotions at all. Sometimes I no longer cry my heart's out. I become totally detach from my own pain & sufferings.But no matter how hard I try to be emotionally strong not only for myself but for my kid too, one thing that will certainly bring tears to my eyes is when I feel the loneliness that both my kid & I felt from time to time. Not having anyone especially a true real responsible, caring & loving gentleman for us to lean on. My heart aches each time I see happy loving couples with their only kid spending time together. The wife having someone to lean on for sure. Surprisingly, I don't envy her but all I ever feel is deep sadness, loneliness & emptiness. I've tried my best searching for a father figure for my kid as well as to fill up this empty heart but to this day I've found no one.....